Soooo Not My Church (Again)

First "The Rat" un-excommunicates a Holocaust denier, and now this.

He has named Fr. Gerhard Wagner of as auxiliary bishop of the Austrian diocese of Linz. The 54-year-old Wagner, in 2005, called Hurrican Katrina God's punishment for New Orleans' tolerance of homosexuals and laidback sexual attitudes. Wagner was happy not only because Katrina destroyed nightclubs, bars and brothels, but abortion clinics.

Oh, and another thing. Wagner first gained notoriety in 2001, when he characterized J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" books as "satanism" and warned of the magical spells and formulas used in the books.

He is to be ordained on March 22.

Satan Rejected His Soul

And that's why he must stand outside the cemetery gates -- forlorn, yet content. The Canadian Maxim magazine has a one-page interview with Morrissey in its February issue. Apparently the premise of the Q and A is a 'Last 24 hours on earth' kind of thing and the interviewee is to reflect (succinctly, of course) on his life, his possible afterlife and how he might spend his last living breaths. Some pretty good questions, and the wit of Morrissey shines through in most of his responses. Here it is, so you don't have to spend any money on a copy of Maxim magazine. [thanks to MorrisseySolo/MusicSlut]


HOW DO YOU WANT TO GO? DOUBLE DECKER BUS? 10 TON TRUCK?
Concussed by a coconut.

WHICH OF YOUR SONGS PLAYS IN HEAVEN?
“Satan Rejected My Soul”

AND WHICH ONE PLAYS IN HELL?
“I Have Forgiven Jesus”

WHAT BOOK DO YOU REGRET NOT FINISHING?
The Toilets Are Closed In Your Honour, an account of the life of Cressida Dick, deputy assistant commissioner of London’s Metropolitan Police.

WHILE ALIVE, WHAT DID YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR MONEY ON?
Legal fees.

WHO IN YOUR LIFE WOULD YOU MOST LIKED TO “KICK IN THE EYE”?
That meat-fed horror Jamie “Orrible” Oliver. If he’s a master chef, then I’m Miss Brazil 1970.

WHAT WILL BE YOUR GREATEST LEGACY?
Thundering suavity.

ANY REGRETS ABOUT BEING OUTSPOKEN?
Whatever I said, I meant.

WHEN WERE YOU HAPPIEST?
At age 12 I could juggle a plate on a stick.

NAME 1 THING YOU’RE GLAD YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN.
It will be worth being dead just to get away from Victoria Beckham.

WHAT’S THE WILDEST THING YOU EVER DID WHILE YOU WERE ALIVE?
I took some swimming lessons at the local baths.

WHAT’S YOUR LAST MEAL?
The disease of smallness - tea and toast.

DO YOU HAVE A DEATHBED CONFESSION?
I’ve never seen myself naked. It seemed impolite to look.

TO WHOM WOULD YOU WHISPER YOUR LAST GOODBYE?
To my very best friend… myself.

How Cold Was It?

The accompanying phone photo was taken from just inside my apartment this past week. The wind chill factor was somewhere in the area of 30-degrees below zero this past Thursday and part of Friday. The photo quality would have been better had I opened the door and had not had to deal with the fogging up glass, but the back porch storm door was frozen to the ground beneath it. It's gonna be crazy when this past week's icicles begin to fall, all over the city.

CNN's Rick Sanchez Rocks!

Exposing the idiocy, hypocrisy and utter self-serving, hate-fueled absurdity that is "Joe" the Plumber, whose real name is Sam and who is not even a plumber, daring to say that media is the problem and media should like, you know, be barred from reporting.

Face it, Sam, and everyone who thinks this creep is some kind of a hero or iconic figure -- YOU LOST. The crap you stand for -- if you stand for anything besides being against good and hating anything unfamiliar, was REJECTED by a majority of the American people in November and for the next four, probably eight, and possibly 12 or 16 years, you will be in the minority.

You don't deserve this platform you've been taking advantage of, you haven't earned it and Rick Sanchez rightly and properly calls you and your ilk out. You don't know Jack, Sam, and every time you or those deluded folk who are all rah rah for you make the mistake of opening your mouths, you only expose more of your ignorance.

Rick Sanchez, you've just gained a new fan in me.

He Loves Paris

I'm starting to feel some Morrissey fever. The video of "I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris" has been released and I think it's great. The song sounds like classic Morrissey; as far as the sound of it and the lyrics, as well. I really like the sound of the drums -- don't know what it is called when when there is a very brief drum solo but it's a wonderful touch, that has appeared in other Moz songs. I like the spartan look of the video and of course the puppies make it irressistable.

Only three months until his tour hits our shores. I'm already envisioning what the T-shirts will look like...

You Might Be a Big Fat Pig If ...

at the Foodstuffs counter at your work building's food court, the woman making your salad asks you if you're sure that's enough bacon on your salad, then the trainer who weighed you and took your measurements for your gym's "Biggest Loser" type contest asked you if you think the the XL t-shirt that comes with your entry in the contest would be big enough for you.

I don't want to be the fattie anymore. I want to be able to wear cool clothes. I don't want to have to take high blood pressure medication for the rest of my life. I don't want to get diabetes. I don't want to get a heart attack before I'm 50 (actually I don't want to have a heart attack ever). I don't want to eat like a drunk drinks. I want to play hockey again. I want to walk through MarketDays this summer with my shirt off.

I've made myself a salad for lunch tomorrow. And I'm going back to the gym tomorrow night. And Thursday. I can lose 10 pounds by the first week of Feb. 15 by mid-March. 20 by the beginning of May. 30 by July 4. This is not the only thing I need to do in the near future, but it is No. 1 right now.

Back to Work

Well, that whole Christmas/New Year's Holiday period was nice. The week of doing absolutely nothing, with not having to either go to work or work on anything for anyone else, was lovely, as well.

But now we have to switch gears, and it's going to be a doozy going from neutral to whatever gear it would be that enables one to go faster and up on a steep incline. Besides the 37.5 hour a week job, I also have to do two pieces a month for the monthly paper, I'm starting work on a soon-to-be-unveiled blog for my mainstream media employer (so no slacking off for weeks at a time, as I would be tempted to do with a personal blog) and starting this week I am enrolled in two courses at DePaul, one an introduction to community/public relations, the other in quantitative reasoning. Both the classes are online (you think I wanna trudge through the snow any more than I have to the next few months?) Add to this the ongoing family drama, including the one day a week job of driving my mother around to her bank, her grocery store, her doctor, etc., etc. (she has two other offspring, both in their late 50s, but she'd not dream of asking them for anything even though they both pillaged her home and savings over the last decade, but I digress.) It's quite daunting, all that is in front of me. I am amazed at how people (maybe some of you!) are able to handle two or three jobs, do other things on the side and still have a personal life or at the very least not become a hermit for months on end.

Oh, and I've resolved to drop 40 pounds by the end of summer. Shirtless at MarketDays, that's what I'm going to be -- no matter how much I've lost by then. That's my way of motivating myself to keep working out and to push myself away from the Taco Bell and get the salad at McDonald's instead of the McRib. That'll be the toughest thing since food, like Rhoda Morgenstern used to say, was the first thing I loved that ever loved me back, and I expect to go back for some of that love and reassurance and temporary comfort often.

Yeah, it may be a bumpy ride, but it may also be really fun. Let's go!

To Serve My Country

Before Gov. Rod Blagojevich appointed Roland Burris to fill the vacant U.S. Senate seat of President-Elect Barack Obama, Senators, like Democratic leader Harry Reid, said they would not recognize anyone the Tainted Gov. appointed to the seat. They would not let the appointee in the Senate, they wouldn't give him the oath of office, they wouldn't so much as give the appintee the time of day. Now that he has named the unremarkable but untainted Roland Burris to the seat, they may have to change their tune. Who knew the crazy corrupt governor would actually go ahead and name someone to fill the Senate seat and that someone would be crazy enough to accept the appointment, after the criminal complaint was made public and no one, whether senator, pundit or voter, would take seriously the work of anyone who'd actually accept the office from Blagojevich?

Since 1) Burris has not been implicated in any of Blagojevich's shenanigan and he's widely held to be a clean politician and 2) is an African-American, the Senate can't really bar him from the place if he shows up to take his place, as he has said he intends to do.

So what to do? Put me at the door. Are you listening Sen. Reid? Sen. Durbin? Do you see the picture alongside this post? That's me. You may know me as a blogger/reporter perhaps future spokesman for a U.S. Senator ;) but before I was any of these things I was a doorman (please don't call us 'bouncers' that's vulgar and only invites bad behavior on the part of guests) for a swingin' joint in the Uptown neighborhood here in Chicago. In addition to telling people when it was their turn to leave, whether or not it was last call or they had finished their drinks, and keeping an eye on the crowd, I often told people they weren't going to get in that evening. Whether they were too drunk to get in or it was already last call or I just didn't like the looks of them, I had no problem at all keeping people out of the place I was charged with keeping control of. I've had people give me the sad faces and tell me their friends were inside or girls try to flirt with me or guys wave cash in front of me just so they could get in the bar, and none of that had any effect on me and none of them got in.

So, you see, to me there is no difference between the douchebag white former frat boy Vince Vaughn wannabes telling me at 10 minutes to closing that they will only stay for as long as it takes to down four shots and "don't you want our money?" while waving $20s or $50s in front of me and the hapless yet ambitious black politician who would presume to say "I have been legally appointed! The people deserve two senators!" In either case I would keep looking straight ahead, shake my head that they are not getting in and tell them when needed to get out of the way of the people leaving the bar/Senate chambers. And if he didn't get out of the way after closing time or if he dared step a foot inside the door, I'd gently but firmly explain that this was a non-negotiable matter, with my arms crossed, hands under the biceps, to make them look bigger. (Boy, sometimes i miss those days. But not that often.)

Mama Said Knock You Out!

Yep, getting home in time to watch Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper ring in the new year paid off big time, since I got to hear her yell at a heckler, "Screw you! Do I come to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth?!" Yeah, she said it. On national TV. Perhaps it was delayed on the West Coast or something. But we heard it here in Chicago, loud and clear. I'm shocked -- shocked that CNN didn't have her on a 7-second delay!

Oh, and the guy who made the vulgar gesture at Anderson's usual partner? Classy. I liked it when she told the drunken idiot, "OK, it's time to go now." Putting reporters in the eye of the drunken storm is never a good idea. I imagine there are many memos and such going around CNN in the next day or so. Loved Anderson's puffy coat, though.

Happy 2009! It's gotten off to a brilliant start!